Siblings

Last week, Sylvia talked about friends, right? And one of her main points was that friends influence each other, whether intentionally or not. Therefore, we should be very careful in choosing our friends. But did you know that God had chosen friends for you? And they actually aren't as hard to find as you might think. And I can name them. Sophie, you have a God-ordained friend called Sebastian! And Daisy, you have one named Sam, and one named Ida, and and one named Gus, and one named Becca.

Oh! No groaning! I am a firstborn, as are several of you, and so I can attest well to the annoyance of having siblings sometimes. But, you know, most of the annoyance is really MY problem. For example, if a friend (outside the family) accidentally kicked me in the shin rather hard, I'd just laugh, and say, "oh, it's okay." But if a SIBLING should happen to kick me, it would sound more like, "You JERK!! How DARE you kick me! I didn't even do anything to you!" And then, much to my shame, I would probably kick them back. My problem is that I have different "grace" gauges for my siblings and my friends outside the family.

In order to do that, I need to have a different view of my siblings! They aren't just annoying people who happen to have had the misfortune to be born into my family with the sole purpose of annoying me! They are God's little gifts to me.

Yes, gifts. I call them that because God has a great sense of humor when he gives gifts. He doesn't give us gifts that help our strengths - he gives us gifts that strengthen our weaknesses! Which is why I have my siblings. I still haven't figured out what all their "Jael-weakness-fixing" features are, but I do know a few.
Abi corrects my talking tendency. It's been said that the thing that annoys you most in other people is what you are most guilty of. So, when I feel myself getting annoyed that Abi is talking ALL THE TIME, I just resolve to talk less. It actually does work. (Don't laugh. I talk less than I used to...I think.)

Mike corrects my anger and picking-fights tendency. Everyone has a sibling that is much too like them for comfort. Mike is mine. We both have quick tempers, and we both love picking fights. (These things that I'm admitting are NOT things you want to copy.) Therefore, whenever I get annoyed at him for picking a fight with his brother, or snapping back at Mom, I just pray for him, and ask God to deliver me from those same tendencies.

Johnny corrects all my pampered tendencies. Whenever I get annoyed at him for acting spoiled, I have to think, "Do I act like that sometimes?" The answer is always yes, and therefore I give him a little more grace. :-)

See how that works? Instead of judging your siblings, and reacting hastily, first pause and think, "what is God trying to use them for?"

Sarah Mally told a story where her younger sister Grace was CONSTANTLY asking her to do stuff. "Sarah, can you go get me a glass of milk?" "Sarah, can you run downstairs and get me that book?" "Sarah, can you come help me do this?" All these distractions were really annoying Sarah, until she realized that God was probably using Grace to work a servant's heart in her (Sarah). As soon as she realized this, she started consciously seeking to serve her sister, jumping up eagerly whenever her sister asked her to to something. And you know what? Within a few days of deciding to serve her sister in whatever possible, Sarah noticed that Grace was no longer asking her for anything. So, God often uses your siblings to teach you stuff.
But, in order to WANT to serve them, you have to be able to see the good things in them. Everyone can see the good in their friends, right?

Abi, what do you like most in your best friend?

How about you, Cecily?

See? They were able to find something good about their friend, and I'm sure that, if we had given them more time, they could have kept talking about their friends for several more hours.

Now. A challenge. Starting with Sylvia, let's go around the room and name one good thing about each sibling. So, Sylvia will say 7 things, and Sophie will say 1.

[after going around the circle] Now, that was fun wasn't it? [wink] But you were able to think up one good thing, weren't you?

I want everyone to take out your handout, because we are going to be writing some stuff down. First, I want everyone to take a minute and write down each good thing that you mentioned. BUT...no talking meanwhile. :-)

Okay. Everyone done? Now, I want each of you to tell each and every sibling what you appreciate about them, sometime this week. It can be just what's on your list, or it can be other things. You don't have to go up and randomly say something like, "Hey Abi, you know what? You're good at spelling." You COULD if you want to, but I'd suggest something a little more subtle, like, as Abi is drawing, I come over and peek over her shoulder and say, "Wow! You are great at drawing, Abi!" Find subtle ways to tell them. Tell them at least once a week. Siblings need to be built up. I once heard that it takes ten encouraging words to rectify the damage done by one discouraging word. So encourage your siblings. It will make a difference!

Now. A harder part. I want you to write down at least two ways you could serve your siblings. This could include doing their chores for them every once in a while, or just playing with them. Whatever your siblings enjoy doing (or don't enjoy).

The third section is to be used to remind you to have a "serve a sibling" day. Once, when I was about 7, my parents encouraged me to have a serve a sibling day with Mike. Our relationship was REALLY rocky, and they wanted me to try serving him for a day. So, grudgingly, I did so. I did whatever he wanted to do, like play wiffle ball, and swing on the swing set, or play cars. I actually enjoyed it, and there were zero fights that day. Mom and Dad, of course were thrilled. So, they asked me, "Now, wouldn't you like that every day?" And me, being stupid and stubborn, said, "No." [facepalm] So, Mike and my relationship continued to be rocky for years. It is finally starting to improve, but how much better would it have been if I had only listened to my parents, and irked on my relationship with Mike when I was little.

So, what you are supposed to do with this section is to pick at least one day in the next two weeks in which you will pick one sibling in specific to serve. So, Cecily will pick six days (since Leif is a little hard to serve) in the next two week in which she can serve each sibling. Sophie will pick one (although you can do as many as you want) in which to serve Sebastian. The idea is to get so used to serving our siblings that we do it unconsciously.

Let me warn you, though. Satan HATES it when siblings get along! So, he will put every roadblock possible in your way to keep you from serving them. He will make you even more easily annoyed that you were before! He will make your siblings more annoying than before. He is the father of dissension (think about it - he's been at is since Cain and Abel), so don't expect to be let off the hook easily. This past week or two (ever since I decided to do this lesson), I have been kinda half-heatedly trying to serve my siblings, and be kind to them, and all that jazz. But let me tell you! It has been the roughest week ever! I snap at them SO easily! Everything they do annoys me. Abi has been obsessed with Narnia for a few weeks, and instead of asking her politely to stop, I saying something more like, "Abi! Will you stop talking about Narnia!? I'm sick of hearing about it!" This isn't a good way to respond. Just saying.

But what can be done about that pet peeve that your sibling does? Maybe it's something small, like talking about Narnia non-stop or spilling water onto the counter after washing dishes. Or maybe it's bigger, like making faces at you in public or singing off key on purpose. Whatever it is, there is ALWAYS that pet-peeve (or two or three) that just drives you nuts! How do you deal with it?

Well, I can think of a couple remedies. The first and most powerful is to pray about it. Pray for your sibling, and then look at you, and see what might be in YOU that is causing that peeve to annoy you.

After that step, go to your sibling, and intentionally talk about the peeve. Say something like, "Hey [whoever], I know you probably don't realize it, but there is one thing that you do that really annoys me. Could you please stop?" Then, ask them if there is anything that you do that annoys them, and you can both work on stopping the peeves at the same time. Kinda like mutual encouragement. You will probably also want to include your parents on this one, since they are great arbitrators.

If your sibling rejects your plea in the second step, go to your parents, and explain the problem. They will help you take care of it.

So, I want to pause here for a second, and let everyone write down a pet peeve or two, and, when you get home, I want you to first pray about it, and then talk to your sibling about it.

This process is actually spelled out in the Bible in Matthew 18. "If your brothers sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen to you, take one or two others with you, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refused to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector." (Matthew 18:15-17)
This means that you address it individually, and then go to higher courts. :-)

Okay. I'll let you write now.

Now, the final part. What is the best way to get a better relationship with your siblings?

Can anyone guess?

Yes! Prayer! Pray without ceasing! Your siblings need your prayers! YOU need your prayers! God loves it when siblings get along. He even put a Bible verse in about it! Psalm 133:1: "Behold how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell together in unity." So pray as if your life depended on it, because your relationship does! There's nothing that look more stupid that adults arguing with their siblings. (Trust me, I've seen it!) So work on your sibling relationships now, 'cause they won't get any easier!

And if your siblings become your friends, you are guaranteed friends for the rest of your life, 'cause your siblings ain't never going away! You will always have contact with them, unlike any of your other friends. :-)

Friends

Tonight was a rather unusual meeting! Since Jael's family was out of town, Jael and Abi "participated" in the meeting via Skype. They even got to participate in one of the activities, using email instead of pencil and paper. :)

Since photos are usually by Jael when Sylvia does the lesson, she used screenshots to take pictures from her perspective... that is, the webcam. :D They may not be the best quality, but here they are:

Sophia and Mary

Daisy :)

Making muffins

The Lesson:

Tonight, the lesson topic is “friends”. As girls, we tend to need our friends! Whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, you need other people around you. God has designed us to function with others; there's a reason that solitary confinement is one of the worst tortures the Germans inflicted on prisoners during World War II.

Who here doesn’t want friends? (silence) Okay; who does? (everyone raises their hands)

While your parents and siblings should be some of your best friends, friendships outside your family can be very beneficial as well. However, as your parents have probably told you many times, you need to be careful when “choosing” your friends.

To a point, you don’t exactly choose your friends; you naturally become friends with people whom you happen to be around a lot. People you see at Lyceum… people who live in your neighborhood… people who always seem to be invited to the same parties as you… etc. But you do have the ability to choose who you make an effort to spend time with. And the people you spend time with the most will be the people who influence the kind of person you become. If you hang around someone who loves Ninja, you start wanting to play Ninja more. Trust me; I've been this influence on several of my friends! If you are always with someone who loves glorpes, you will be persuaded to love glorpes too. Of course, you can fight that influence… if you think Buggles are better than glorpes or if you hate Ninja and would rather play Frisbee, you can resist your friend’s endeavors to “change your mind” for you. However, it’s much harder to resist the influence of a friend – someone you like – to someone you don’t like or don’t hang out with much.

Friends’ influence isn’t merely "games and glorpes", though. If you spend enough time with someone, you start acting like them – maybe borrowing their favorite phrases or words, or treating your siblings the way they treat theirs. Often it’s unconscious. I once talked to a girl who was struggling because her friends at school all used bad language. Even though she tried not to say the bad words they did, she told me that when she stubbed her toe or something, she had started to use those words. She knew they were wrong, and she honestly tried not use them, but since her friends were always swearing, swearing seemed like the natural thing to do whenever she was off guard.

And the influence can be even more subtle. About seven years ago, I was in a kids’ choir that had long rehearsals every week, with a lot of free time before, during, and after each rehearsal. That free time was spent talking, and one girl in particular became my friend during that time. She was nice, but her favorite topic of conversation was her brother… and all of the horrible things he did to her. She always seemed to be complaining about him, so guess what I started to do? At that time, I only had two brothers and one sister, but I started complaining to her about all of them, constantly finding fault with them, and seeing the negative rather than the positive. And this wasn’t just “teasing” complaining, it was more like “look at me, I'm so pitiful; I have a horrible life because of my brother” complaining. It was actually a good thing for me when this choir ended and I didn’t see this girl anymore.

Now, I'm not saying that just because your friend complains about her siblings that you shouldn’t talk to her anymore. The situation wouldn’t have been a problem for me if I'd been willing to counter her negativity with a positive attitude. However, since I wasn’t mature enough to do that, the friendship dragged me down and started to damage the relationships I had with my siblings.

We should never be in a hurry to end a friendship, but sometimes it is needful. If a friend is drawing you away from God or causing you to stumble in another way, you need to do something about it.

As with just about everything, the first step is to look at yourself. Think, “is this problem coming from me? What can I do to fix it?”

The second step, if you decide that you can’t fix the problem, is to go to your parents… which you should probably do in either case. Let your parents guide you through the process.

Next, go talk to your friend about it. It’s important to be humble and let them know that you’re not perfect- that you need help in this area. If the problem is that they use bad words, tell them that you’re struggling because your parents don’t want you to say those words, and ask them to please help you out by not saying words like that around you. Do NOT preach at them; be humble and loving.

If the friend is not a Christian, you need to be extra careful. Humility is vital- explain your standards and ask for their help. Be firm and don’t act like you’re ashamed of your beliefs or your parents’ rules, but be loving and humble. Remember, this is your friend! Don’t threaten to end your friendship with them; make it clear that you care about them. Then, talk to your parents again. If your parents tell you it would be wise to end the friendship, have them guide you heavily through the process. Remember humility! And remember that you are a witness to your friend; you reflect Christ to them. Your influence may eventually bring them to salvation.

It’s never about what we get out of a friendship; friendships are all about giving to others. However, our relationship with Christ comes first. That’s why, when a friendship threatens to seriously injure our relationship with God, we might have to get out of that friendship, or at least avoid being around that friend until we’re mature enough to handle whatever temptation comes from them.

Now, what if your problem isn’t that your friends are influencing you badly, but that your friends aren’t influencing you- because you don’t have close friends?

Guess what? Just about every girl goes through this at one time or another. I went through a period of about three years where I had hardly any friends. It was a huge struggle, and I was extremely lonely, but it was actually a blessing. God kept me from having friends those years because He wanted me to draw closer to Him and realize that He was enough for all my needs.

“Ironically”, it was just when I realized that I was happy without other friends because I had Jesus that He brought friends into my life. Bright Lights started- not this group, but Allison Whisler’s group in O'Fallon. I started forming great relationships with the girls in Bright Lights, especially with the girls in my small group. Then, God decided to bring an amazing girl into my life. This friendship started out in a really, really weird way… the girl first shoved me down the 7-story slide at the City Museum since I refused to go down it on my own, and then in Drama was cast as a nasty schoolgirl who kept insulting me and was supposed to try and hit me with a pie. It was a “fun” friendship; we were always insulting each other… but then, one day, she put an anonymous letter on my chair in Bright Lights. The thoughtfulness in that letter showed me that this wasn’t an ordinary girl… and so our friendship grew deeper. She encouraged me in my faith; she was willing to share her struggles with me and help me with mine; she lovingly and honestly told me my faults when I asked her; she prayed for me; she always led me back to God. I had never had such a friend before. I'm talking about Kalei Swogger.

Years before, I'd wanted a “true friend” who would be fun to hang out with, a positive influence, sweet, kind, etc. Kalei was that friend, but God had a bigger picture in mind than I did. He wanted me to develop a wonderful relationship with Him FIRST. When He had completed this, then He gave me Kalei… and soon, more friendships began growing… real, valuable friendships. Kalei was the first of many “true friends” whom I could trust and enjoy spending time with. It wasn’t until I got to the point where I didn’t need human friendships that God decided to grant all of my desires. That’s the way He works… He wants to make us fully dependent on Him so that we don’t need anything else to complete us or make us happy. And then, He showers blessings on us so that we have far more than we ever dreamed of having! Thus, we have a second, optional memory verse for this week which you can learn for extra points: Psalm 37:4. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. It’s on your lesson booklet under the actual memory verse, which is 2 Timothy 2:22. (Anyone going to have trouble remembering that reference?) I'll pass out the lesson booklets now, and while you’re putting them in your notebooks, I'll explain our next activity.